Tricks of the trade
Parenting skills aren't taught and there's no blueprint for bringing up children. So what's the best approach, especially if you're dealing with issues like drinking alcohol?
Every child and every family is different, and we all communicate in our own way, but here are some step-by-step suggestions that you may find useful.
Finding the right balance between protecting your child and giving them freedom isn't easy. You can't be by their side all the time, and they wouldn't thank you for it anyway.
However, with communication and trust, you can help them to make the right decision in a tricky situation, learn from their mistakes, come to you for advice when needed and still stay safe.
Making a few small changes can make a big difference - but don't expect success overnight. Just take it one step at a time.
Recognise that neither you nor your child will always get it right. What works for one child or one set of circumstances may not work for another. Take the view that mistakes (yours and theirs) are inevitable, and the important thing is to learn from them.
Get to know your child as an individual. Do you really know what they like and dislike - about themselves or the world around them? What would they change about their life (or you!) if they could?
Take the time to ask them, and to really listen to their answers. You may find you don't know them as well as you think you do; and they will feel that their opinions really matter.
When children feel a valued member of a stable group, they may be more likely to stick to the agreed rules. Give your child a sense of belonging by doing things together - finding out what they enjoy, cooking up a treat, getting out and about as a family.
Establishing some routines means you can spend some time together, gives more opportunities for you to talk to each other, and helps your child to feel they can come to you if they have a problem.
It may seem obvious, but letting your child know they're respected often gets overlooked in busy lives. Your child's opinions matter, and they should feel they can express their views in a supportive environment. Let them know in good time of any changes that will affect them, and let them know you're proud of them too. If their friends get into trouble and your child wasn't involved, say how proud you are that they acted so maturely.
It's important that children know the ground rules, and the consequences of not sticking to them. They will test them, so don't make threats you're not prepared to carry out. An effective 'punishment' is to remove privileges – such as withholding pocket money, cancelling a planned trip to the cinema or having friends over, barring TV, the X box, computer, ipod etc. It will lead to short term angst and tension, but many studies show that kids feel schools and communities set firmer boundaries than their parents.
A recent study by the YMCA in 2008 found that parents were important influences, but that they weren’t seen by most teenagers as good role models, nor did they set ground rules that they stuck to. Only 21% said their parents or other adults they knew provided a model of responsible behaviour. While 55% of young people say that their school provides clear rules and boundaries, and their behaviour is monitored in the community by neighbours and others, barely a quarter (27%) say they have to abide by clear rules and consequences in their family, or that their parents keep track of where they are.
But don't forget to praise and reward them when they do the right thing. Giving reasons for the rules helps children to stick to them and develops a sense of responsibility.
Knowing (and checking if your not convinced) who they're with and agreeing a time for them to be home is important for their safety, and not just your sanity.
Trusting your child means they'll feel they can tell you the truth (especially about unacceptable or risky things), and you won't get angry or judge them. Being willing to listen to their side of the story, and talking through the other options, will help them to make sensible choices in the future.
Trust is essential to open and honest communication. If your child feels safe discussing difficult issues with you, then they'll talk to you when they need to and listen to what you have to say. Help build their trust by ensuring they always have enough credit on their phone to call you and that they have enough money to get home safely if this is relevant.
Children are often much more informed than we realise - but they don't always know the facts. Whatever the issue, make sure your child has the right information, and knows where to go if they want to find out more.
Try to avoid lecturing or scare tactics, and instead discuss the pros and cons objectively together. Use language your child understands and examples that are relevant to them, and encourage them to share their views too.
As the parent or carer, don't underestimate the influence of your own actions, attitudes, words and choices. These have a huge impact on your child's behaviour. Consider what message your example gives to your child. It's difficult to encourage them to make sensible decisions if they don't have a good role model!
